ho for hoggwarts!
by Agent Ninety-Nine
Summary: Wot if nigel molesworth, the curse of st custards, found himself at hoggwarts skool for WITCHCRAFT and wizzardry eh? (NB you really have to have read Molesworth to enjoy this one. Otherwise it'll just look like a load of badly-spelled nonsense.)
1. Introduktion

**DISKLAIMER: neither n. molesworth nor h. potter belong to me chiz. **

i, nigel molesworth, gorila of 3b and hero hem-hem of this peice, am stroling down main skool corridor one evening after prep when i encounter my grate freind peason clutching a mitey TOME. 

"Wot is this?" i sa. "you, peason, reading a book? does the thrill of dab cricket pall? hav you run out of tineys to tuough up? is yore nintendo broken?" 

"really molesworth one sometimes yore iggnorance astound me," sa the weed. "This is the grate book hary Potter and the philopfer's stone, by a lade author called ms J. k. rowling. Everybode luv this book, from junior ticks to GRABBER, head of skool and winner of the mrs joyful prize for rafia work. even headmaster GRIMES hav been seen chuckling over hary's adventures wile taking deten." 

This is enuff for me. i take the BOOK from his feeble hands and retire to the dorm with my trusty torch and a suply of burbon Creams. 

From the first page, i am griped by ms rowling's tale. it is better than cowboys and injuns or even dan dare and digby versus the feindish MEKON. hary, our fearless hero, start off in a bit of a fix, viz. his parents are dead and his nasty aunt and uncle make him slepe in a cupbord. But then hairy HAGRID come by on his magic motorbike zoom zoosh and wisk him off to hoggwarts skool for WITCHCRAFT and wizzardry to be an aprentice wizzard cheers cheers cheers. 

hoggwarts is a super skool where they diskard wet and weedy muggle subjekts such as fr. lat. geog. ect. and insted learn to make potions and LEVITATE. Rather than foopball the eager students pla QUIDDITCH and fli about on broomsticks wizz, and to everybode's grate surprise hary turn out to be a natural Seker so in some respekts the skool story hav not changed. 

There is also a baddy in the shape of lord VOLDEMORT, an evil wizzard who want to kill pore hary, three BULIES called malfoy, crab and goyl and a DRAGON. All in all it is much like my dere alma mater st custards only more xciting and with better food. 

By now we hav herd the chimes at midnite (shakspere) and the dorm is filled with the swete snores of my fellow inmates. i am longing to find out how hary, ron and hermoine unmask the villan but the book slip from my weary grasp and suddenly i am aslepe and having a most peculiar DREME... 


	2. the Sorting hat

The mitey xspress trane pull up at hoggwarts plafform in a cloud of steam poo gosh and disgorge its cargo of brite-eyed eager boys and GURLS. i am milling about with assorted ticks, new bugs and weeds who litely hurl spells at each other and cri nigel is a muggle am not are am not are ect. Suddenly hagrid the gamekeeper approach and sheperd us off to the CASTLE which is black and forbidding surrounded by haunted moat, bats owls giant spiders just like st custards. 

Befor skool dinner of super sossages, pies mash potatos dougnuts pork chops trifle jely roast sucking pig ect ect, all new bugs must attend Sorting ceremony where there FATE is decided. Tremble tremble chiz the battered and frankly unsavory hem-hem sorting hat is lowered upon my beetling brow and after a pregnant pause (coo-er posh prose molesworth) it SPEKE: 

"Huflepuf. Also you hav a face like a squished tomato." 

Curses curses i wanted to be in grifindore with hary ron and other heroic brave fearless boys. Oh well such is life i suppose it was not meant to be. But who is this misterious lone figure who draw near skipping nimbly with his skool scarf? 

"Hullo clouds, Hullo sky, hullo pumpkins, hullo powdered root of asfodel." Yes you have it in 1 guess it is fotherington-tomas the utter girly wet and weed. "i am so glad to be in huflepuf our emblem is the noble badger who roam the woods and feilds." 

CURSES! 


	3. Potions Klass

Cave chaps! SNAPE the mad potions master approacheth and he do not seme happy. Perhaps some dark secret prey on his mind or perhaps he just hav hangover after too much BUTERBEER you never can tell. Klass put away all wands quills newts choclat frogs and sit up attentivly. 

"Good morning klass weasly six kindly leave that rat alone. let us see how many of you hav done yore holiday reading. mr molesworth wot is the proportion of wolfsbain to tomato juice in a standerd vanishing spell?" 

wolfsbain? search me. My mouth open and close like troppical fish in wildlife on 1 super nature documentary. Snape smirk foully he hav me and he kno it. 

"i take it from yore silence that you do not kno this elementary equation. Lose a house point and hav another try. How many grams of powdered unicorn horn would you need to make the skool dog levitate asuming he hav a mass of twelve kilos?" 

gulp tremble chiz all eyes are upon me as i flounder. hermoine grangers hand shoot up and she cri sir SIR i kno please sir me sir she is a swot and a sneke like all gurls. Do not mind pore nigel she sa he went to a muggle prep skool and kno 0. Gosh chiz that is a bit much. 

"Thank you miss Granger when i want yore opinion i shall ask for it," sa snape. Klass titter and hermoine hav the grace to turn red ha ha sucks. Snape then take five house points from huflepuf while slytherin oiks and cads larff. 

"One last chance clot. who discovered the mandrake eh?" 

"was it osama bin laden?" 

"any more of yore cheek molesworth one and you will be cleaning out the manticor's pen for the rest of term. i supose you do not even kno how to produce lite from yore wand by saing lumos." 

"But surely sir lumos hav a greek nom. ending whereas the root come from lat. lumen luminis a lite as any fule kno?" 

"That will do molesworth. one trillion house points from huflepuf and see me afterwards." 

Wot do we learn from this sordid eppisode? That i am as thick in magickal studies as i am at geom. algy. hist. ect. and that BEAKS are BEAKS wotever the subjekt. you cannot escape them o thou weedy worm so there is no use trying. 


	4. Hurra for QUIDDITCH!

Brite and early on saturday morn eccentric but kindly headmaster DUMBLEDOR take his rawhide whip and drive all tiny pupils out onto the sports feild where our knees and noses turn blue and not by menes of magic. For toda is the house QUIDDITCH match, huflepuf (13:1) v. slytherin (evens). i am lurking in my ushual spot on the touchline shouting at the slytherin seker yar boo couldn't find a quaffle at ten paces when Madam hooch, who like all p.e. teachers is fritefully KEEN my dere, stride up. 

"Come along molesworth one get craking get craking huflepuf is a beater short and its all hands to the PUMP." 

Chiz chiz i could not hit a flea and all will jeer at my misfortune. With trembling legs i mount ancient creaky broomstick. Of corse slytherin team all hav rich paters and are riding NIMBUS 2000 (pat. pend.). The whistle blo and my doom is sealed. slytherin plaers who are all six foot six including the gurls fli onto the pitch chanting ra ra get em men take no prisoners and its over to fotherington-tomas in the comentery box. 

FOTHERINGTON-T: Hullo clouds, hullo bludgers, hullo professer quirrell's turban. huflepuf start from centre CRASH WALLOP and now slytherin are in posession. captain GRABBER hav the pill and it can only be a matter of time before he score ZOOM ten nil to slytherin and the crowd cri boo hiss. Within minutes WAMMO grabber hav scored nine more goals POW ZAP and things are looking black for huflepuf. But lo! late sub n. molesworth seme to hav spotted something at the far end. it look like the golden SNITCH. Can the match be saved by a meer beater? He swoop - he make a grab - oh dear me how unfortunate, he hav split his trousis. Other plaers fall off there brooms and roll about clutching there sides howling with cruel larffter. madam Hooch blo her whistle in atempt to restore order but to no avail alas. gillibrand (ravenclaw) is shouting look at ickle baby he still wear combinations. How uncouth BOYS are to be sure ect ect. 

i wake in a cold sweat my hart hammering in my puny chest. But it is only a few moments before i slip back into fitfull slumber... 


	5. The miror of Erised

i am sneking furtivly from the dorm to see wot i can pinch from the skool kitchens benethe the kisses hem-hem of NITE (sheley) when sudenly hist cave I hear the dread footsteps of flich the caretaker and his sidekick mrs Norris the taby cat. Cooly keping my head i duck into a disused klassroom. 

Chalk dust is thick upon the desks ugh and the only clene object in the room catch my roving eye. it is a giggantic miror with this arkane legend engraved upon the frame: 

_Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi_

it look like duble dutch (xtra tew four guineas a term) but of corse to any boy who hav ever tuned in to dick barton on ye olde wireless this is easy pappy i.e. simply read it backwards, dolt. I gaze with some treppidation into the glass - wot will i see eh? 

Can this ghastly Aparition really be handsome uprite noble n. molesworth? It hav a bulbous nose a pinstriped cloke and a green blower hat. I am minnister for magick! It is my duty to make sure all japes pranks wheezes and tricks by underage wizzards are severely punished. CHIZ! Two billion boos to the subconscus! A mitey blo from my size six foopball boot shatter the miror and the pikture fade not a moment too soon. 


	6. nigel v. lord VOLDEMORT

And now the moment you hav all been wating for as i, molesworth the first, come face to face with the fearsome you kno who as he is called to protect delikate sensibilities of the wizzarding comunity. molesworth mussles stand out on his handsome boddy and he crack his nuckles. Voldemort do not appear alarmed he tower over me and his glitering red eyes seme to bore into my very SOLE if indeed i posess one which i hav been told is unlikely. 

"join me molesworth one," he sa. "Together we could be a grate team. i will grant you power beyond yore wildest dremes." 

i doubt this very much as i have some pritty wild dremes esp. after skool CHEESE for supper. Yet his proposition attract me... 

_SENE: A Klassroom. prof. mcgonagle enter._   
MCGONAGLE: nigel hav you done yore transfiggeration prep?   
MOLESWORTH: nope.   
MCGONAGLE: May i ask why not, worm?   
MOLESWORTH: a powerful dark wizzard such as myself hav no need. _(LITENING shoot from his hands)_ Dismiss the klass and hand over all confiskated choclat frogs burping potions xploding snap kards ect. which you hav taken from my defenceless fellow pupils. Otherwise i mite get angry.   
MCGONAGLE: Y-yes sir, o dark lord molesworth sir. Do not hurt me chiz. 

Will molesworth fall? Will the lure of power tempt him? tune in next time for another thriling installment...ha ha fuled you saps. You did not really think i would leave you in suspense? This is wot hapen: 

i am begiled by VOLDEMORTS words. who wouldnt be i mean to sa. But he is still a BEAK after all having taken over the boddy of pore professer quirrell. Betray my prinsiples for a master? i think not. I whip my fatheful peashooter from its holster and buzz a misile at voldemort's conk. He cannot bear to be touched by a being so pure and inocent hem-hem and promptly shrivel up. 

Prof. dumbledor hav entered and observ my viktory over the forces of EVIL. Aha i think now for order of merit, quidditch kup house trophy prefekt badge full color spred in daly proffet ect ect. 

MOLESWORTH ONE WHY ARE YOU IN THE THIRD FLOOR KORRIDOR AN AREA STRIKTLY OUT OF BOUNDS TO ALL PUPILS? I TAKE IT YOU ARE ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR DAMAGING SKOOL PROPERTY INKLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THREE-HEADED DOGS, ONE, DEVILS SNARE, ONE, FLYING KEYS, ONE, WIZZARD CHESS PEICES, EIGHT. DO 100000000000 LINES. 

Hey ho who'd be a hero eh chiz. pass me that sack of bertie botts beans and i shall seke out GIN flaver to drown my sorrows. 

* * *

**A/N:** Wow, thanks for persisting this far! You can read the illustrated version at   
http://www.alice.dryden.co.uk/ho_for_hoggwarts.htm 


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